Daily Archives: June 22, 2021

The women of the world today are so obsessed with being unique that they haven’t realized they’ve only been the clay for the mold marketed to them through various media. I know this first hand, because I am one of them. 

Dr. Suess once said, “Why fit in, when you were born to stand out?” 

How can you not get on board with his point of thinking? Everything about you was created to be unique. You cannot be remade, nor can you be replaced, and I truly believe that was God’s intention.  The love for His creation is as unique as the creator Himself. In His image, for a reason and for a purpose. 

Ephesians 2:10 tells us we are God’s Masterpiece. Psalm 139 goes into depth on how much of a Masterpiece we are at the handy work of God, through Christ Jesus. That, in and of itself, should be enough to keep the fire of self worth burning throughout our time here on earth, yet we still find ourselves trying to find our place to love and be loved in return by those around us. Often, when I have shared these feelings, along with many of my other feelings and thoughts, I have run into a lot of solutions that fall on different parts of the spectrum. 

These solutions are shared with sincere intent, but always require me to do something more with myself to make myself more likable, more available and more flexible. I’m not saying that self improvement is harmful, because we are literally a work in progress. What I am saying is as a woman with a heart for Christ, why is it that whenever a need for love presents itself, it is so often met with a prayer and a solution that needs to be found somewhere else? 

For a long time, I tried to combat this with always having a table that was beautifully set and open for whoever wanted to sit at it. It didn’t matter who it was or where they came from, I never wanted anyone to feel the way I felt so often. I didn’t just want to find the solution, I wanted to be the solution. If God puts someone in my path and I have what is needed, why wouldn’t I pull up the chair and add a little bit more pasta to the pot? If only it could have been that easy. But, after so often pouring myself into others, while so often not feeling “poured into” in return, fatigue and disheartenment creeped in and the enemy began to squash my desire to be used by the Lord. 

I know I’m not the only one who has dealt with this, because as I scrolled through social media, I come across dozens of quotes that are often focused on loving yourself first, learning when to stop, removing toxic people from your life, stress/anxiety and many other passive ways to share how we are feeling inside. As a sister in Christ I was designed for community and fellowship, but every time I found it I was always given a list of expectations I could never live up too. I tried time and time again, but in the end always found myself sitting alone.

Around 2 years ago I decided to bow out gracefully from everything in my life. I was so disappointed in everything that surrounded the bricks that outlined the boundaries of my home I just locked the door and stayed where I was most happy, at home and with my family. 

I found myself in a place where I didn’t want to deal with adding chairs to my table for everyone else while no one had room at their table for me. I didn’t want to be silenced trying to meet the list of expectations when my heart wanted to burst with words for Christ. I didn’t want to gossip, just so I can have the interest of someone else. I didn’t want to deal with figuring out who I needed to be as a person in that very moment to avoid being shred to pieces. Finally, although I know there is more, I didn’t want to keep failing. 

One thing I know for sure is that you can avoid failure if you’re not doing anything at all, but the caveat of it all is that kicking your feet in the sand is listed nowhere in the book of life. The worst thing I did in my life was to stop moving. When I repented 18 years ago, I didn’t just do it for the past. In that moment I surrendered my life in repentance for the past, the present and for the future. 

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:22-24

I was created, to be like God, in TRUE righteousness and holiness. The deeper I traveled into my closet and the more I dug into the word of God, the more I realized the disappointment that lingered and lead me into solitude was a direct result of not combating the lies of the enemy with the words of truth. 

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things.” Philippians 4:8 

I read this verse and the first thing that shakes my spirit is to constantly be thinking of Christ. What else is true, noble, right, pure, lovely and admirable but God? If my eyes were always pointing the direction they were supposed to be, I would have been able to combat the lies of the enemy with the truth of God. 

From the beginning of time, Satan has been twisting what is true and trying to convince us to live outside of the truth. In Genesis 3:1, we see the enemy using a different tone, changing a word, provoking our knowledge in Christ to lead us further away from our savior. He knows the further he pulls us away from the light of the Creator, the easier it becomes for darkness to overtake our lives. The easier it will be for us to see what is dishonest, what is dishonorable, what is wrong, what is unclean, what is ugly and what is deplorable. 

The only problem is, once he feeds you with the lies, he hides like the lowly serpent that he is and these reflections fall on God’s creation. It reflects on your family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances and people you’ve never met in your life, that you were called to love without the expectation of love in return.

Psalm 145 overflows and exemplifies God’s love in action. “The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made”. “The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does. The Lord upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down”. “The Lord watches over all who love him”.

We’re reminded over and over in this Psalm that God’s love is without limit and favoritism. And as we travel into the New Testament he reveals the greatest expression when “God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 

If I am called to be like God, in TRUE righteousness and holiness (spoiler: I am), then it’s clear Toxicity is a direct result of sin and is amplified by the lies of satan. My disappointment should have never lingered to my point of solitude. My love should have been magnified through the eye of Christ and surrounded by compassion. My table should have remained open and ready to take on anyone looking to seek rest and a good latte with complete understanding they may stay for awhile or they may up and leave alone or with a few guests without as much as a thank you. They may even leave a bad review on yelp! But that’s ok, I am not everyone’s cup of tea.

My table might not be what they are needing in this season or for this moment. Their struggle may not be what my heart is set to offer as a solution. I just need to trust God and let Him fill my table with the people he has designed for me in that given moment. When the season ends, I need to let them go in prayer and love and keep moving. To be surrendered to Christ, living in grace through repentance and buried in His truth as a complete reflection of our father in heaven. 

Somewhere down the road, disappointment and the need for perfection cross paths and that is where the enemy swarms to bring toxicity. The enemy is toxic but our Father is the Great Physician. His word combats the deceit. The key is to nip it in the bud by always being aware and prepared. Life changes so quickly, but the word of God will forever remain the same. Life isn’t based on feelings, it’s based on truth and God = Truth. Disappointment was never on God’s agenda, but joy is. I choose joy. 

So as I navigate out of my time in solitude I will remind myself daily, sometimes I will be the soil, other times I will plant the seed, maybe I’ll be the fertilizer and some other times I’ll get to be that reflection of light in Christ that allows the plant to grow. Maybe, God will just have me looking over his garden as it progresses, either way, I’m unique, I’m loved, I’m needed and I was created for such a time as this, and all of that is fulfilled by Jesus Christ. Everything else is simply a bonus. 

My table is always open and there will always be at least 2 of us there, Me and our Creator with plenty of room for more.

I Love You!

Kimberly