I’m not sure about you, but your homegirl over here is a dreamer. I am pretty sure I have dreamt up every stage of my life and how I hoped it would play out. By the time I was 14 years old, I had my whole life mapped out down to the names of my children. Fast forward 17 years later and absolutely NOTHING I hoped for happened the way I had planned. If it did, I would be a teacher in a lovely school, in a lovely neighborhood, married to a baseball and Jesus loving Italian Man with a HUGE family that loves to get together on Sundays for garlicy, gravy covered pasta and a shot of double espresso. We would live in New Jersey somewhere close to New York City, and we would travel often to places I’ve never seen before in anticipation of a new and exciting adventure on the regular.
As time passed and I had to make changes to my hopes, dreams, and expectations because they weren’t coming to fruition, I grew extremely tired and worn out. After graduating high school and transitioning to College, I opted not to go to school for education. When I found out what the starting salary for a teacher was in the greater Tri-State area, I enrolled to be a business major instead. I immediately started working two jobs at over 50+ hours per week, while taking 18 credits on a local campus, to try and keep my life on track for my goals. I worked, drove, and did so much schoolwork that I barely ever slept. My friends became my late-night workers at Domino’s, while delivering pizza and working through homework on most evenings throughout the week and weekends.
I rarely got to see my family, so I was thankful for evolving technology, as it allowed me to talk on cell phones and send text messages to keep in touch. I figured if I made it through this chapter, by my early 20’s I would be married and could start a family without having to live paycheck to paycheck. I saw my parents work so hard throughout my childhood without reserve, taking the little extra they had and helping others with it. I wanted to get to a point in life where I could take care of them the way they took care of me, and so many others who came their way. I wanted to wrap their desires into little boxes and watch them smile with joy as they were realized, just like I would as a child on Christmas morning.
I wanted to find and marry a man who was the same at church as he was at home. I kept my eye wide open as I meandered my way through life, waiting for God to open the door to the person I would share the rest of my life with. Little did I know, it would happen when my eyes weren’t in focus, at a time way past my expectations, and lead me to a place far away from everything I knew. One day I would love to tell you about how I met Robert, and how we didn’t even make eye contact, in person, for the first five years that we knew each other, how I would disconnect a phone and hold it close to my heart as my lips managed to sputter the words “I love you” into silent air, the blindfold, the rollercoaster without knowledge of what would happen next, or how God would use our relationship to change me as a person that would grow closer to Christ. One day… I promise.
Today, this is a just a reflection of what dreams, plans and expectation can have on your life, and how living with a plan for tomorrow and not a whirlwind of love for today, can make you miss so many moments sent by God to bring you unmistakable joy. I am not trying to eclipse the dreams of the dreamer or put a wrench into the desires of the hard worker. I will be the first to tell you that so much of what is good in my life started with dreams, developed with hard work and finished with ambition and perseverance. But, if you don’t let God be the one to walk you through the process in His timing, for His purpose, and for His glory, you are going to miss out on so much He has in store for your life to bring you joy and to fulfill the desires of your heart.
This is 31-year-old Kimberly, wishing she could tell 14-year-old Kimberly to just love Jesus and work hard, while loving life, and then to live that life not one day, but one breath at a time, while He fulfills the desires of your heart. I could write examples for hours, but in this moment, I am going to share with you the greatest blessing of my life, and that is my husband Robert. Oh, this man! I want to tell you that we all have our problems, and no one is perfect to sound more realistic, but the last 11 years of my life I have fallen more and more in love with him. This may be a surprise (or not depending on who is reading), but he is the furthest thing from Italian, he’s never been to Long Island, he doesn’t love Baseball or the Yankees, his family is smaller and often prefer to love me from their own living rooms, and if you told him you were putting gravy on pasta, he would assume you were putting on flour based gravy you normally put on biscuits!
Out of all the plans and dreams I had for the man that would one day be my husband, the only one that God honored was the one that was aligned directly with Him, and that was his heart for Christ. Little did I know that would be the only one that truly mattered, and the only one I needed. It didn’t happen on my terms, it didn’t happen in my plan, and it didn’t happen in my timing, but whether it be intentionally or reluctantly, I am so glad I waited on God to do His thing for me. Because, when I’m feeling my most broken, sick, hurt or confused, I know I have my husband who will kneel down over my vulnerable spirit and heart, praying to God the Father for my healing without request.
“The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.” 2 Peter 3:9
I might have used my husband as my prime example, but this goes for so many things in our lives. God is not early, slow, or late. God is always on time. I no longer regret my decisions or hide my past or my present. I still dream daily and make plans. The only difference is I let myself learn from my decisions, I let the blood of Jesus cover my sins, I try my best to focus on Christ and His daily plans for my life, and not the lives of people around me, and my prayers over my dreams always end with “If it’s going to bring You Glory”.
One of my favorite books of the Bible is Esther. Mostly because whenever we had a sermon on Sunday’s that didn’t really hit home, I would read through Esther with just enough time to make it down the aisle for communion. I often soaked in the story of Esther and allowed it to sit and foster the type of woman I wanted to be. If you haven’t had the chance to read through Esther, I really encourage you to do so. She took initiative and through complete faith and courage she allowed her values to overcome herself to let God work through her to save her own people. She did this with honesty and respect, which captivates my heart every day. When I get to Esther 4:14, I let Mordecai speak to me. I may not be a Queen, but I am a daughter of the King, needing to spread the word of God to anyone who will hear, who perhaps was made to live for such a time as this.
Love,
Kimberly
P.S. Here is a picture of one of the greatest gifts God has given me. My heart still flutters when he walks in a room. You’re worth it and the wait just gives you more time to grow closer to The Father. Don’t waste it.
